It's Been Too Long

Wow, I can honestly say that I almost forgot I had this blog. I have spent the past few hours reading a lot of the posts I have made previously. Although it's been over a year since my last post, a lot of what I wrote still applies to me in so many ways. 

Let me just start off by saying, there is a reason why I quit writing. I relapsed, yet again. Does it really even matter on what or why I did? Maybe. Maybe not. I may get to that at a later time. For the moment I just want to touch basis of where I am at in my life right now. I have about 12 days clean today. I am struggling with a lot of the similar issues mentioned in previous posts. Craving everyday all the time. Triggers everywhere. Temptations knocking at my door all day and night. Physical pain, emotional pain, and depression. I have heard other recovering addicts/alcoholics say that every time you "fall off the wagon" It gets harder and harder to get back on. I can tell you without a doubt in my mind, this is very true. This time around, I honestly have continued to doubt myself. I almost make it to the point where I try not to get my hopes up because it's almost like I am doomed to repeat myself like I have continuously done in the past. 

On the other hand, I can be very optimistic. Sometimes I feel that now that I am getting older and have had some "practice" at this recovery thing, I know the steps to take to get better. I just have to APPLY them!! I have a more open mind about my addictions. I try and look at it from all angles. I think long and hard about what I should and shouldn't do. To be honest, the back and forth part is driving me a little crazy. Hopefully with more time passing I will be able to get a better grasp on everything. I just wanted to write this little bit for now. I am considering getting back to writing more often, but I am not going to push myself. I am happy to be clean and sober FOR TODAY. 

Drugs: A True Definition.

DRUGS- I destroy homes, tear families apart, take your children, and that's just the start. I'm more costly than diamonds, more costly than gold, the sorrow I bring is a sight to behold, and if u need me, remember I'm easily found. I live all around you, in schools and in town. I live with the rich, I live with the poor, I live down the street, and maybe next door. My power is awesome; try me you'll see, but if you do, you may never break free. Just try me once and I might let you go, but try me twice, and I'll own your soul. When I possess you, you'll steal and you'll lie. You do what you have to just to get high. The crimes you'll commit, for my narcotic charms will be worth the pleasure you'll feel in your arms. You'll lie to your mother; you'll steal from your dad When you see their tears, you should feel sad. But you'll forget your morals and how you were raised, I'll be your conscience, I'll teach you my ways. I take kids from parents, and parents from kids, I turn people from god, and separate from friends. I'll take everything from you, your looks and your pride, I'll be with you always, right by your side. You'll give up everything your family, your home, your friends, your money, then you'll be alone. I'll take and take, till you have nothing more to give. When I'm finished with you you'll be lucky to live. If you try me be warned this is no game. If given the chance, I'll drive you insane. I'll ravish your body; I'll control your mind. I'll own you completely; your soul will be mine. The nightmares I'll give you while lying in bed, the voices you'll hear from inside your head, the sweats, the shakes, the visions you'll see; I want you to know, these are all gifts from me, But then it's too late, and you'll know in your heart, that you are mine, and we shall not part. You'll regret that you tried me, they always do, but you came to me, not I to you. You knew this would happen. Many times you were told, but you challenged my power, and chose to be bold. You could have said no, and just walked away, If you could live that day over, now what would you say? I'll be your master; you will be my slave, I'll even go with you, when you go to your grave. Now that you have met me , what will you do? Will you try me or not? Its all up to you. I can bring you more misery than words can tell. Come take my hand, let me lead you to hell...

Time doesn't Seem to Heal all Wounds

Wow, I can't believe it has been so long since I have posted. I feel bad for anyone who is/was following my blog, like I might have let someone down. My life has been a roller-coaster of extreme highs and lows since my last post. In the mind-frame I am in right now, I would say more downs. I have been clean for a long time now. I am proud of myself for that, but I still struggle so much with guilt and shame.

Since my car accident I have had nothing but health problems. I have migraines. I feel like they are literally ruining my life. I haven't been able to work since the accident. Dealing with chronic pain has made my depression so much worse. It's so hard to keep going to doctor after doctor, medicine after medicine and not getting any results. I did get put on some pretty heavy narcotic pain medications for the pain and of course gradually got addicted (not on purpose, I was not abusing them.) I have gotten off them once, but am currently detoxing again because I had a lapse between different meds and needed pain relief badly. It is so hard detoxing, I feel so sick physically and mentally. I have to admit I have been putting this last time off because I just feel like I wont be able to do it. I have been through so much with all the drugs and alcohol in the past that I just feel like I don't have much fight in me anymore... like it would be so much easier to just lay down and die. Don't get me wrong, I do not want to die, I have so many people in my life that I love and they love me back, but God it is hard, so hard.

Along with dealing with the migraines and detoxing, I have fallen back in to a deep depression. As I mentioned at the beginning I am still struggling with guilt from my past. I guess I thought that since I have been in recovery so long that those feelings would fade. They haven't. I almost feel like all the bad things that are happening in my life right now are things I deserve....like I am being punished; mainly by myself I would guess. I finally broke down a week or so ago, and decided I should try seeing a counselor again. I have not had much success with counseling in the past, so I have refused for a long time now. I guess you could say it seems like a last resort to try to get my mind back on track. I hope it does.

I have put it in my mind that I am going to take all the right steps to get better now. I have to admit I probably  haven't been doing all I can to get better these past months, mainly out of self-pity. Even when I do do the things I need to do to make up for my past faults, I still feel like I am going nowhere. Like trying to be a REAL part of my family again, they all love me and are proud of me (for the most part) but it's like I wont allow myself to feel those good feelings. I am blocking out everything good, and can only seem to think of the bad. I always hear that time will heal all wounds, but I don't feel that way at all.

Getting Back Up...Again

"The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less  capable you are of loving in the present." --Barbara De Angelis

I haven't really been keeping up with my blog like I used to. I feel bad. There are many reasons I haven't. For starters, I was in a car accident in September and it threw off everything in my entire life. I also "slipped' back in to using (for a short but bad period.) I am no longer dating the guy who I once thought was my "soul mate." I lost a dear friend to me in a motor vehicle accident, I was (still am) crushed... I ended up back in my vicious circle of depression, physical pain, guilt, shame, and hanging with the wrong crowd again. Obviously a ticking time bomb for relapse.


I wont go in to great details about my "slip" or "relapse" or whatever you want to call it. Everyone knows what it is. What I want to talk about is how I STOPPED once again. Also, how I am working on releasing the anger and pain I had re-built in me from it (note the quote above.) For the last few months now, I have realized I have been walking around with tons of resentment, anger, and guilt on my shoulders. I have also been blanketed with depression, more then normal. A lot comes from how I dealt with the situations that happened (the loss of my boyfriend, death of my friend, the car accident/physical pain and obviously the relapse and what it did to me and my family/friends.)


First of all, I made a mental decision to take control of my life again. I quickly realized that every time I go back to using I fall harder, and SO much faster. If I wouldn't have caught myself as soon as I did, there is a good chance I could be dead, or back on the methadone every single day wishing I was dead. God has given me SO many chances at life again; to start over... I am NOT going to push my luck anymore. If luck is what you want to call it?


Second, I made another conscious decision to change the group of people I was surrounding myself with. I have lost all contact with dealers or anyone that was using steadily. This is not as easy as it sounds. The drug dealers have began to text and call, they must miss my money? Some days it's a lot easier to ignore the texts then others. Some days they make me break down and cry because that part in my brain that is addicted still wants it. Ive tried changing my phone number in the past, but it doesn't really help unless you are truly ready to stop, because it is then that you will have the strength to say "no" to those that are trying to influence you.


As far as finding new friends, that part is a little more difficult (at least for me anyways.) Living in a small town where everyone knows everyone. Almost all of them drink- so it seems. I look at it this way lately; I don't mind being alone that much. It is giving me time to "find myself" to do A LOT of thinking about who I am, who I want to be, and where I want to go. I realize now that when I first came in to recovery, I came in to it with another person (my ex) He was wonderful and I believe was meant to be in my life at that time. Now I think it's time for me to get clean on my own, by myself! Which I have been doing, and will continue to do so. Everyday it gets a little easier. Am I lonely sometimes?? Yes...sometimes extremely, but eventually God will know when I am ready, and if it is his will, then He will put someone in my life.


In dealing with my depression and physical pain. I am just working with my Dr. as much as possible to get better. I have been on numerous anti-depressants. I think I am on the right track as far as finding some that work. It is important to note that these types of medications DON'T work if one drinks or uses drugs on them! You would think that this is an obvious statement, but it's not really. A lot of people who use try to use medications to "better" their lives, but it wont happen no matter how much medicine you are on until the drugs and alcohol are out of the picture!! 


It is very hard to deal with so much physical pain every single day. I have never gone through something like this. Yes, I have had some other health problems in the past like migraines, and endometriosis, that caused a lot of pain frequently. But NEVER have I had to deal with such constant, agonizing pain all over! I don't ever want to get out of bed. Everything hurts too much. This only makes my depression worse, then I start thinking about using, which thank God I haven't (through prayer and help from others.) I need to work on getting up and doing more physical activity everyday, even if it does hurt. Lying in bed is no good for anyone in anyway. 


I guess all I am really trying to say in all of this is no matter how many times I fall down, I am going to keep getting back up. I may be tired up getting up.I may be lonely and sad. I may carry some resentment and anger around with me for some time, but I need to find ways to let that go. The best way I can think of is through the healing power of God. Through prayer. Through my loving family. Through my true friends. And most of all (with God's help) through myself.

turning to peace

If Ever

To feel so small no matter what I do. To hold my head up high and still see the ground.
It's not just a matter of time before I ruin it all again, so everyone will say.
I'm sure I'll prove them right in all the wrong ways.
Eventually I'll have no friends. Not a single one. Pretty close now.
Eventully I will want to care, but it just doesn't seem worth it anymore.
Eventually I will stop praying, because I don't hear an answer, or anything at all.
Everyday, the same... pain, inside- bad; outside- bad too.
Pain neverending all around me. In people's eyes when they look at me.
Pain when they speak to me. Pain when I speak back.
When I think it couldn't get worse, it does; Always.
When I think I can't handle anymore, I do.... at least try. Maybe not.
It's no matter to most anymore. I am erased in their books, minds.. unless it's bad remains.
Which are probably true. I am not me anymore. Who then?
I want love, but push it away. Afraid to hurt another person again.
I want comfort, but I am getting used to pain. I just go back the other way.
The cliche' of going forward but stepping back? I think I always just step back.
I imagine stepping forward, in my mind sometimes I think I am. I'm not.
I am stuck in this hell. Burning, on fire, but so cold in my heart.
Everyone looks and says "I'm worried about you." I am too.
Honestly I don't know how to reply, except maybe say "Just try not to. It doesn't help."
I don't understand how I went from being almost healed to so sick again?
And when I feel I am starting to heal, I get a phone call, a text, a temptation... just waiting.
I can literally be sick thinking of the hurt I have caused.
Worse yet, I can think about death when I keep doing it again.
I used to think people should understand what addiction is.
Why should they? It isn't their problem and I shouldn't bring it in their lives.
If people want to judge and say I am a bad person, they are pretty much right.
I have to laugh now to think I used to get mad about that.
Regardless of all this shit I have just wrote, I still try to imagine.
Try to think of a life that's not in this hell.
Life that is to say the least; just ok. I will settle for ok. I would.
But can I? Will I ever? Lately I wonder if ever... and that's terrifying to me.