As a recovered addict it is so hard to face myself and the things I’ve have done in the past every single day. I know everyone says not to look back, but how am I to learn If I don’t look back to see where I went wrong? I will be reminded of the horrible things I did from my friends, family and even myself. Loved ones will not necessarily point out these things to be mean or hurtful, but my selfish, negative behavior that I had while using will come to the surface and they will simply point it out. For me, this is something I have asked my loved ones to do, but it is so hard to hear. No one wants to hear when they are acting wrong. Almost every time it’s pointed out that I am acting in an ill manner, I tend to get defensive, which is just another negative trait I’ve picked up along the way. All of this can lead to unnecessary arguments and words being said that aren’t really meant; especially by me. I admit it is very hard to take criticism, but I asked for it so I can change! Sometime I wonder is it really worth all the petty arguments that it causes between my love ones and I. Should I just accept the fact that since I chose to use drugs for 12 years, I have developed some major character flaws that will never go away? Will I ever be able to rid myself of my selfish behavior? Will I ever stop hurting the ones I love?
I can not express my gratitude for the support and love I have received from my family and friends. Now that I am “better” I am expected to do so much more. To act in such a different way then I used to. To say things that I would’ve never said before. All of these behaviors “expected” are of course positive and far better than the self-destructive behaviors I exhibited in the past (and sometimes still do). The fact of the matter is I really wish I could say I am all “better,” and everything is just great in my life now that I have quit using drugs. I can’t though. There are so many evil shadows that still lurk around the corner, waiting to grab me back in to the wrath of addiction. There are so many times when my thinking becomes negative and unclear and I don’t know how to deal with this besides to contemplate using. It is an entire new world to me after doing the same negative things over and over for years, and now am attempting to abruptly stop all of them. It’s like I am on an entire new world sometimes.
I have been called selfish so many times. Mostly in my addiction, but after I got clean and found that I was still acting in selfish ways I was actually shocked. I thought that giving up drugs was one of the self-less things I had ever done, I really only did it in the beginning for the people I loved anyways. I wasn’t doing it for myself. I found very quickly that if I didn’t do it for myself I would fail. So now, here I am trying to put my recovery first in my life and being called selfish at the same time! There has to be a balance somewhere? I know there are days I am still a selfish person and it will take time to rid myself of this behavior. There are other days when I am called selfish, when to me all I had done that day was trying to be as self-less as possible. Which ultimately leads me to ask myself the question; “Will I ever be good enough?” “Will I ever be able to be that person that everyone wants me to be?” I pray to God every day that I will be, but there are days when I feel that in the end my past will just follow me around like an old ball and chain; connected to me forever.
I want to put my loved ones first (after God). I wonder though, if I was even able to rid myself of my selfishness, would I resort to using drugs again? If I took the focus off of myself and my recovery, will I lose site of my ultimate goal? It has not been that long that I have been recovered. I fear that if I don’t continue to at least put myself first most of the time in life, I will find myself back on the streets. I do not want this at all. It scares the hell out of me. I want to stay clean more than anything. At the same time I want my loved ones to know that I am not necessarily putting myself first all the time. I am trying to find the balance. Sometimes, I am working on putting my “demons” away. I am working on myself, so ultimately I will be a better person sooner than later. I am not trying to be selfish at all. In fact it could be said it really is the opposite, because if I quit putting my recovery first, I will probably fail everyone. That would be selfish. That would be horrible, because I am quit certain if I return to drugs, I will die. It would be SO selfish to kill myself by using again.
In the end, I am still working on many old habits from my addiction. Things do not change over night, or in a few months, maybe not even in years. I am working my hardest on not being so selfish. I know sometimes my actions don’t reflect this, but in my mind, I mean the best. I really do. I am slowly trying to saw that old ball and chain of my past addiction behaviors off of me. I am trying to start over as a person completely. It is very hard most of the time, but I know in the end it will all be worth it if I can just stick to doing what is right in my heart.
Your starting over comments remind me of baptism. In baptism, our old self is put to death with Christ, but we don't end there all dead-like. Instead, we come up out of the water, united with Christ in his resurrection, too! And the neat thing is that this dying and rising to new life is not a one time thing, but instead is a daily event. Martin Luther said, "Every time you wash your face, remember that you are baptized!" And one last thing about baptism: It is God who accepts us there, despite what we've done in the past, despite the mess-ups we'll make in the future, and despite all our own shortcomings. You are loved!
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