Guilt (The Big One)

If you are not personally an addict or a recovering addict, then this post may not be as meaningful to you. Although, if you aren't it could probably teach you a few things about "An addicts life." It never hurts to learn something new.

Guilt: Pronunciation: \ˈgilt\

Function: noun

Etymology: Middle English, delinquency, guilt, from Old English gylt delinquency

Date: before 12th century

1 : the fact of having committed a breach of conduct especially violating law and involving a penalty; broadly : guilty conduct
2 a : the state of one who has committed an offense especially consciously b : feelings of culpability especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy : self-reproach
3 : a feeling of culpability for offenses

I'm sure most of you know what guilt is. I thought I would look up the actual definition and see how our language defines it. I was particularly surprised by definition number 2; the part that states -"especially consciously." 

To this day, guilt is probably one of the biggest "demons" that I am still fighting after coming out of my addiction. When I seen that the definition suggests an offense committed consciously, I was somewhat disturbed. I know that 90% of the guilt that I feel now is a result of "temporary insanity" due to chemical dependency. My body, my mind, my thoughts, and my actions were controlled by the need to "feed the monster within." Some may disagree about this which is fine. If you have some extra time, do a little research. You will find that after abusing drugs such as crack/ cocaine or heroin for a certain period of time, your body will physiologically become dependent. Without them your brain "malfunctions" and you will loose control of your life.

There are many drugs out there. Some are highly addictive, others are not. There are many examples of different drugs and how your body can become dependent on certain ones. The following site offers some of this information: http://priory.com/drugs.htm

Now with all of this being said, is it really fair to say that guilt is a "committed offense especially consciously?" I disagree. Guilt can be defined in these regards when, for example, a book keeper changes numbers at a company to gain personal financial gains and then feels guilty; (and only usually after they get caught anyways!). 

The guilt that I deal with from a day-to-day basis is from the "sins" I committed before and while I used drugs. A great example of this is the guilt I have from causing my family so much grief and heartache. The fact that while I was using, they were in pain and I had no regards consciously of the extent of pain I was causing. I realized it hurt them and they wanted me to stop, but I had no idea until after I quit how much pain I really put them through. 

I think it is SO important that addicts, recovering addicts, and family and friends of addicts all understand that guilt is probably one of the main issues in recovery. If family and friends of an addict are constantly reminding them of how "bad" they are for doing drugs, ultimately, the addict will probably use to deal with these negative emotions and guilt. Then after they have used, they feel even more guilty! It becomes a viscous cycle that sometimes seems almost impossible to stop. 

An addict or recovering addict needs support from their loved ones. They do not need to be reminded of all the horrible things they did. The addict will eventually have to face these themselves. It is probably THE hardest issue to deal with as an addict heals. It will probably take years for the addict to come to terms with some of the horrible things they did while using.

To me, it didn't matter at first, that I was "temporarily insane." I thought it was just a "cop-out" for bad behaviors. Ultimalty, through research of my own and professional help I  learned that it wasn't my entire fault. This does not mean I get a "free pass" from the bad things I did. It just simply means that I shouldn't and can't beat myself up over the past. The past is over and the only thing that can bee done now is learn from it. Use it to share with others how to avoid the mistakes I've made. 

Guilt is a serious demon. It will constantly attack you at your weakest moments. For me, I pray. I reach out to my loved ones for support. I know I can not face it alone. It is okay to talk to loved ones (that don't judge you) about what you have done in the past. If they are educated and realize that those acts weren't really the person they love. They will allow you to come back in to their lives (slowly- most likely), but in the end what really matters is that the guilt and shame you feel can be dealt with, and you don't have to do it alone!

If there is absolutely NO one in your life to turn to, I would suggest turning to God/ or a higher power (depending on your beliefs). If you have no belief, you will probably not get  the answers or results you are looking for. I am not trying to turn this post in to a "preaching section," but guilt is one mean, hardcore, S.O.B., and it is not something to be taken lightly. It is okay to ask for help. It is not okay to wallow in your sorrows for the rest of your life. What kind of life is that? In order to be a happy, stable recovering addict, guilt MUST be dealt with. It must be put in it's place right along with all the other demons that have haunted you in your addiction. You CAN do it! Just don't stop fighting, even when it seems easier to give up, don't! This means that the drug, the enemy, and all that is evil has won. Lets fight for the good, the truth, and victory.