It’s Not Always Easy- At All…

I have been sitting around my house, trying to keep busy today. For some reason(s) I am so down. I feel just as bad about myself and who I am as when I was using. Well maybe not quit as bad, but I feel so useless, and like I could just go back to using and no one would really notice. I know this isn’t true. There are a lot of people that are depending on me to stay clean, including myself. For some reason- I’m sure it’s a combination of things, I feel pretty bad today.

I have just recently quit a job that I was at for two years. I really liked that job. My boss was a personal family friend, but in the end he turned out to be like most people; money hungry. He was very supportive of my recovery and my leave for rehab. I returned and he treated me worse than when I was a dope fiend. I honestly don’t know what went wrong. I try not to get myself too upset about it because I’m sure in the end; it was really some issue that he has. It wasn’t meant to be. So now I don’t have a job. It is almost impossible to live in a small town with a bad reputation and two misdemeanors on my record, and find a job. It’s hard to get a job period in our economy at all.

I am so blessed I have Ron who is helping me through everything. Everything! He is so amazing and I don’t know what I’d do without him. Our relationship feels so “one-sided” sometimes because now I am not helping with any of the bills. I don’t like not being able to “Hold my own.” I guess it’s a pride thing. Maybe it’s also something my mom has beat in to my head since my father passed; to never rely on a man. Regardless, I just want to feel like I’m doing SOMETHING! I can’t sit around too long, or I quickly find myself wallowing in my own sorrow and pity.

I have been crying a lot today. I have been thinking a lot about all the people I met in rehab- the 3 different facilities I’ve been to throughout my years. I wonder how many of them even came close to recovering. I wonder how many got out and actually died because they just couldn’t “kick that nasty habit.” It makes me sad, because I know that most of them didn’t succeed. It’s a proven statistic that most people that come out of a rehab facility will ultimately fail; at least four times. Most people aren’t fortunate to make it to their fourth time. I know I wouldn’t have been. Only by the grace of God did I make it the 3^rd time. and really it wasn’t the rehab that saved me. It was my self-will, the support from my loved ones, and my renewed relationship with God.

Sometimes, like today, I have prayed to God and I did not hear anything in reply. Today I haven’t heard anything from God. No encouragement, no explanations, no nothing. Silence… I know He hears me. Maybe I am asking for the wrong thing or I am saying the wrong things. Maybe I am filled with so many negative emotions that even if God is speaking to me, I can not hear. My ears are clouded with the enemy’s ploys to get me back. I must admit; tonight the other side is winning. I know though, that I will go to bed soon and I will still pray and I will still believe, and tomorrow may be a better day. It may be worse. Regardless, I know eventually, sooner than later, it will all get better. God will not allow me to suffer much more than I already have. He wouldn’t do that to me, knowing that I simply couldn’t bear too much more in the end. Again, maybe I am under-estimating myself and the worst is yet to come? It’s so crazy, this life we live in, to try to go day to day trying to figure out where we belong on this earth. To try to figure out why we are even here in the first place. Is this really just a test? If it is, I am sorry but that angers me right now. There has to be more. There has to be more to this life. Why do people have to struggle? Why are there so many tragedies? Why is life so hard? I want to believe my God is loving and caring. Sometimes, I admit, I question this. Life could be so much worse for me. It could be better. I guess I should just be thankful that I have a life at all.