Mistakes

Yes, even as a recovered addict I still make so many mistakes. SO MANY! I will never be able to describe the incredible amount of mistakes I make every single day. Not just little, harmless ones; ones that somehow end up hurting me, or even worse someone I love. Since I have not been clean for a very long time at all, I still have many characteristics of the “old me.” Most of the time I do not recognize that this part of me that I hate so much has come out until it is too late. The damage has been done already. I then result back to guilt (see previous post), which is never good.

Feeling guilty to me is the worst feeling out of any feeling I can feel. I question myself over and over constantly “Am I doing the right thing this time?” “Will I make the wrong decision again?” “How am I supposed to know how to act in the “real world” now? Some days are great, and I feel like I am finally getting this whole “clean life” concept. Others, like tonight, I feel like I just walked out of the doors of my last rehab stay, and I have to start all over dealing with the demons that lead me to drugs. I honestly don’t think I have enough willpower or strength to start all over again.

 Now that I am clean, everyone expects so much more from me. I understand, they should. I am now a productive member of society (as much as I can be). I can’t lie in bed anymore with excuses of being “dope sick.” I can’t go to work and borrow money from my boss until I owe him more then what my check ends up being worth. I guess my point is; I never thought as I was working on getting clean, that I would make so many mistakes. I never thought that I would continue to let people down over and over- just like when I was in my addiction. It is a depressing realization when you know that getting and staying clean isn’t all good and fine once you are recovered. There are still so many bad days. There are still so many demons that are constantly waiting for me to slip, just a little, and that’s all it takes and they will have me all over again.

One last thing about mistakes as an addict; Saying “sorry” is definitely not going to work anymore. The people I have hurt in the past have heard me say that word one too many times, and now it is just a meaningless word. Even staying clean for a few months isn’t enough a lot of times. My loved ones are just waiting for me to mess up another time. To make another mistake and return to my “old life/” It is going to take many, many months (if not years) to gain my trust back in those that you love. All I can say is at the end of the night, I lie down and I pray to God. I pray hard and long that he will deliver me from my sins, and that my family here on earth will too.

Everyone makes mistakes. It is inevitable. The fact that I am a recovering addict only leads to making more mistakes then most. Growing in to a “new life” is not easy, and trust me, I will make tons of mistakes along the way. I will just make sure that I learn everything I can from them, and try my hardest to not do them again. Life is hard; very hard, and just because I have decided to quit using drugs, doesn’t mean that this statement is any less true. In fact in may be even harder. Life may be just a little more tough on me then I expect. I have to remember, resorting back to drugs will be the biggest, and possibly the last mistake I will ever make.

As hard as it may be many days, I am going to hold my head high because I know that in my heart I have overcome one of the biggest mistakes of my life; using. If I can do that, then I most certainly can deal with day-to-day mistakes. I can prove them all wrong when it’s all said and done. I can.