The Perfect Gift; Recovery

For the past 10 years at least, I have merely “existed” in my family during the holidays. I must say though, that while I was an addict, it didn’t occur to me until I have recovered, just how meaningful it is to get-together with family and friends. I would always go to our family gatherings and think about how I couldn’t wait to leave to go get high, or go drink some more (or both). How selfish of me! Out of all the days of the year, I couldn’t even spend one or two days with my family (the people who actually love me), without wanting or using drugs. Now that I am working on my recovery, I am seeing more and more every day just how important it is to spend time with my loved loves as often as possible. These people love me unconditionally, and that is one of the best antidotes to curing addiction. Even when people have turned their backs away from me, it is possible to show them that in time,  I can change! Things can get better! I can give them the best Christmas present ever; a successful recovery of the person that they would never think would change. I can imagine that would be a good feeling from their side, because I know it is truly wonderful to look my family in the face this year and tell them “I am clean; for good!” What a true blessing. There are times though when I feel I have lost time and start to feel the guilt.

I have caught myself being overcome with guilt for wasting time in the past, but then I reflect back to things I have learned in my recovery and I remember “I can’t change the past!” I can only try to make up for it now. Guilt will only negatively impact my recovery, and it wont change the fact that I was too busy not giving a sh*t during those times. It is hard not to think “What if?” or “Why didn’t I?” The fact is though, that had I not gone through what I have to this very day, I would not be the strong, self-motivated person that I have become today. I am proud of my journey to where I am today. It has been extremely hard, and some days almost unbearable. Looking back now though, it is so nice to say that I really have something to offer myself and others now; my true love in return for theirs. Guilt is one of those haunting demons that will constantly linger around one in recovery. I simply close my eyes and ask God for forgiveness, and the strength to continue going forward. It is not always so easy, but it is much easier when there is a higher power to connect to. I know that I wouldn’t even be alive today if not for my higher power. He is my strength and courage through my recovery.

I didn’t think this entry would be too long. I just wanted to express that I am grateful for recovery. I am grateful that this year I can actually be with my family and truly enjoy myself. I will also know that they will enjoy my company now too. It is the small things in life that really matter in the end. This is definitely one of them. Merry Christmas everyone.