Physical Pain & Addiction

I have been called a hypochondriac more times then I’d rather remember. I definitely have not been “The Poster Child” of great health. I do know that the times I have ever been sick; I really was. Since addiction is often associated with lying I can see a legitimate reason for this statement sometimes. At the same time where do we draw the line? Is it really fair to go to a hospital and be treated “less- than” because your record indicates past drug abuse? Or is it fair if you are honest with the Dr. and admit to struggling with addiction (now or in the past), and they refuse to give you anything for pain, even when the pain is very real? I have experienced each of these scenarios and they definitely do not make one feel better as a human being.

I have histories of alcohol poising, heroin withdraw, and self- admission to drug use in my medical records. I have had numerous surgeries and procedures done for various (legitimate) reasons. Almost every single time, I‘ve encountered at least one nurse or Dr. that made it pretty obvious that they considered me a “bad person” most likely due to my records. There have been many times when I was at the hospital for one of the previous addiction reasons and admit I probably deserved to be treated like a looser- because I pretty much was But I am not trying to justify any wrong behavior by medical professionals, but at the same time; drinking until I was unconscious was very stupid too.

Regardless, I know that when I used to get “put down” or felt bad (physically and/or emotionally), I would try to resolve these feelings by using. Just like all the other negative emotions that lead to use, it becomes a vicious cycle. After using to try to feel better, and don’t succeed, it is followed with guilt for using, and ultimately all of this leads back to using again. I know that I have attempted to use drugs as a means to directly make my physical pain better. I actually did this quit often, as many addicts do. Heroin was very good at numbing any of my pain for just a little bit, but ultimately would come back to make me feel that much worse. Cocaine could also numb pain, or at least distract me from it for a while; but like heroin, it would fade and the pain would usually get worse. There are a lot of other drugs that will definitely numb or distract from pain for a short period of time. Inevitably the pain will come back though. The pain will come back in a worse way, and this time negative emotions will accompany it. I know for a fact that using ANY kind of illegal (and some legal) drugs will not cure pain. Sometimes there is nothing in the world that will numb some of the physical pain you may have the rest of your life. Ultimately, finding a new way to deal with pain is the only solution if you want to continue to live.

I will admit even though I am truly recovered, and I will never use again, I am still having a hard time dealing with this issue. I have a physical condition that causes me a lot of pain very often. I have had numerous surgeries for it. I can’t count how many times in these past months of my recovery process have I thought about using to dull the pain for just at little while. It didn’t even matter when I thought of if, just some relief for a while, then I’d be good. Believe me, this has been one of THE hardest tests of my addiction I have ever had to face. I’ve came very, very close a few times. I could feel the evil creep around me as I would lie in bed and cry in pain. I could hear a small voice saying “Just this one time, it wont hurt anything” I almost gave in so many times. I eventually found I needed to find a way to deal with this or I was going to fail in my efforts to stay clean.

I know not everyone believes in a higher power. I do, I call him God. So many times when I would hear that small voice tell me it would be ok to use; I would call out to my God and ask for strength to overcome. Sometimes this was not enough to help. Sometimes I would just have to hold on to my man and cry. Cry hard. Very hard. I needed to let the emotions out that were beginning to consume me. Sometimes I would cry for a long time or until I would fall asleep. There really is no real way to deal with this issue. Everyone must find ways for themselves to deal. For example, I am an artist and have found that painting or even sketching helps. Find something positive to do with loved ones. Try not to lie in bed and feel sorry for yourself. I know it’s so much easier said than done, but in the end, your life will be that much more fulfilled. Don’t lay in bed and waist your life away, especially if you are in recovery or a recovered addict. You’ve waited too much time already! It’s time to start living.