I have recently been having a lot of “issues” about finding out “who the real me” is. It seems in my 12 years of addiction, I lost myself and my sense of individuality. Realizing this once I got clean has been very painful, confusing, and most of all scary. It’s a very odd feeling when it seems like some days I am partially the “old me”-just with out the drugs. People will point out that I am being selfish, or that I am exhibiting negative behavior that may ultimately impact my recovery. Then there are days when everyone just can’t believe I am the same person that they used to know in my addiction. It’s very hard to determine when I am acting either way (unless someone points it out).
I get very frustrated and upset because on most days I realize that I really just lost most of “who I am” to the drugs and alcohol. Sometimes I get so frustrated about it all that I swear going back to using would be just as easy! I know those are the demons that I continually battle telling me this but it’s still a thought that comes to mind often. I can not let them win, so I am trying to come up with a battle plan.
If you have ever lost someone you love, you know then that there is a grieving process. I have come to believe that I may be in some sort of grieving process over the loss of myself. I am very happy that I shed the parts of me that used drugs, lied, manipulated, and stole. At the same time, I was unaware that as I was using I was ultimately loosing my self. I was giving up on things that I enjoyed. I gave up on caring about my self- image. I gave up on wanting to become a better person. I was giving up on my family and friends. Now, that I want all my positive qualities back, I find myself wondering around lost most days. How do I find out who I am when I lost me so long ago? So much has changed since I started using. What do I want to do with my life now? Where do I go from here?
Obviously, I have yet to figure out how to resolve this issue. I am trying to find a way though, because I refuse to give up. I am trying to find myself by doing things I used to love. Like art, for example. I have just recently started drawing and am working my way back in to painting. I know by doing this, I will be able to express myself through other means, and ultimately start to find pieces of who I am.
I also like with all other issues I face, pray. I pray that God will lead me where I need to be in life. I pray that He takes over this time and I just follow. This is a lot easier said than done, but I know the times I am able to “let go and let God”; things work much better.
There are some other small things I do such as reading The Bible and other inspirational books. If anyone thinks of other ways I could “find myself” again, I’d appreciate feedback. I definitely have a long road ahead of me in my recovery. I just hope that in the meantime, the people I love have patience with me.
I am on a whole new planet and I may be lead astray many days. Will you please guide me instead of grow impatient? I am like a child in some ways. I am literally learning how to do things for the first time in many situations. If it’s not my first time, I may be trying to re-learn because it’s been so long. Regardless, I know with each passing day, I will eventually add another piece back to my puzzle, and someday soon, I will be me again; probably an even better me! I can’t wait.
Grieving is an interesting topic. Many professionals are taught that change=grief. You're definitely going through change right now. And the thing about grief is that new grief taps into old grief, so the grieving process is never over. It's important to remember to be kind to yourself, and to allow others to be kind to you as well. "Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight and the sin that clings so closely, and let us run with perseverance the race that is set before us..." Hebrews 12:1.
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