My first attempt

It is 3 a,m. I have been drinking.... wow... bad start to a blog about addiction huh? Well, I haven't had that much to drink but its enough to make me feel like I would like to use. I know in my past drinking ALWAYS lead to my drug abuse. I would go to the bars, get my buzz on and then I would get the " I don't give a shit" attitude and next thing ya know, I'm calling my dealer. I was at first and mainly a crack/ cocaine addict. I eventually moved up to heroin though. So, right now, with a few drinks in me, I have a strong desire to go get some heroin or even just a gram of coke. I know that I cant. I don't have the money for starters. I don't want to go out in the cold. Its a little late to be calling any dealers.Plus I like my life being clean more!

My man who is supposed to love me unconditionally is at the moment putting huge conditions on our relationship. I had an abusive relationship in the past that was extremely traumatizing and I now suffer from PTSD because of it. My man now doesn't seem to understand that when he gets upset and "uses that tone with me" that I get scared. I am by no means comparing him to my ex. I have dealt and am over that relationship. I am not over the things that happened to me during it though. Kinda like a dog that has been beat by its owner for years and then goes to a loving home- eventually the dog will warm up to the new family, but it will never forget those times it got beat. The difference between the dog and I is that I am seriously working on getting past "being scared" of things. I have overcome addiction, I can certainly overcome some mean shit that happened to me years ago. It's hard though. I guess I haven't really dealt with it all the way or else I wouldn't be having these issues now. Maybe some of you out there that have experienced domestic violence can give me some advice on how to deal with this in my new relationship?

You see, this is my very first blog ever and I hope that it is successful and that a lot of people get connected. I want to help and I need help. Well... for now I am going to go, try to sleep I guess. Pray that God gives me more strength to stay clean another day.