It has been at least 5 months since I have used heroin and there isn’t one day that doesn’t go by that I still don’t think about using at least once. I keep telling myself, with time they will fade; which they have. They have become less frequent and less intense. It’s still very hard to deal with every single day; especially on bad days. I have had horrible days where I have thought to myself “Maybe it would be easier to go back to using.” I know this is so far from the truth, but the evil creeps inside me when I am at my weakest.
Not only do I have cravings, I still have dreams where I use. They are so vivid sometimes I wake up to look at my arms for track marks. Sometimes I walk around half the day feeling almost guilty like I really did use. It’s a terrible reminder of what I used to put my body through. I get very frustrated. I think, “I’m doing everything I think I should be in my recovery, why won’t this just stop!” They are like ghosts following me around, waiting for me to fall. Waiting to consume me.
It seems like the closer I get to get to God, the more intense my cravings and dreams become. It’s like Satan knows when I am weak or when I am trying to have God work through me. The enemy hates it when I pray. My prayers are constantly interrupted by unnecessary thoughts or even thoughts of my past that haunt me. Then I feel even more guilty because I can’t even say a prayer at night without thoughts of drugs coming to my mind. Sometimes I swear I just yell (yes out loud) “Stay away from me evil spirits! You can’t have me back!”
Just the other day I was driving home from a shopping trip and I was thinking of how good my life is now. I was thinking of all the people I love and how much better my relationships are. I was overwhelmed with joy. I was having a great day. I felt great physically and mentally and then just like that, bam! I had an overwhelming feeling to use. It was so overwhelming in fact that I almost got sick to my stomach. It was a very serious craving.
I started to plot of how I could get the money for it and everything. Then I stopped myself, took some deep breaths and thought “remember when you lived that life? Sitting on gas station floors sticking needles in your arms. Lying to everyone just to get one more fix.” I reminded myself of all the bad things that came from my addiction. I didn’t allow myself to think of the way heroin made me feel for those few moments. I also prayed to God at that moment too. I asked God for strength and will power. Within a few minutes it began to fade. It was great to not have to deal with those feelings for hours like I used to. Cravings used to last a lot longer, now they are becoming much shorter. I am thankful for that.
I have heard from other recovered addicts and professionals that the cravings may never completely go away. I am not going to get frustrated or upset about this. I am simply going to work harder at fighting them. I will find new ways to deal with them in better ways. Eventually, I know they will fade enough that they will be just like a dream. I know that as long as I have God on my side, and the support of my family and friends, I can get through this; just like all the other hard times I have faced. It will all be okay in the end.
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