Relapse

I have been avoiding writing about this topic because it is very sensitive topic, and it is also something that is almost guaranteed to happen in the road to recovery that no one wants to face.  It has happened to me. I felt extremely horrible. I wanted to just give up. It felt like a bad dream. Actually to this day, I still have a lot of guilt about it, although I am definitely working on that.  I have realized that feeling guilty will only make everything worse. The recovery path goal I am on now is to move forward; not look back. Also, feelings of guilt can lead back to using easily (see previous blog about guilt). Relapse is said to be inevitable in recovery, that doesn’t have to be true and if it does it doesn’t mean that it will ruin recovery. It will not change the new person you are working on becoming and/or have become so far.

After I relapsed I realized even as I was doing it, I didn’t want to. I wish that I would have had the guts to have stopped but I figured I had gone that far. If you find yourself in this situation, and feel that guilt; LEAVE! Trust me, you will never feel so good about something you have done. If you don’t leave and you do use, don’t go home and wallow in grief and beat yourself up (this is much easier said then done).  Especially when you have worked so hard on recovering! It is not the end of the road. It does not mean that your recovery is ruined. Life will not get worse. Life will still go on. Although, your family and friends (if they know about it), may loose some of their trust you have started to gain back; you can get it back, and I’m pretty sure they will forgive you too. The hardest part is you forgiving you.

The way I have dealt with my forgiveness is through God of course. Praying for forgiveness is the first thing to do and keep doing. I pray all the time and always ask for forgiveness of my sins. Sometimes just doing this doesn’t make me feel better completely. Sometimes I talk to other people that I know who won’t judge me. Other recovering addicts would be a great example. If you are an AA or CA person, go to some meetings and TALK; don’t just sit in the corner. Talking about it will help release those negative feelings that only weigh you down. If you don’t feel comfortable talking to others, write about it. It helps just to express feelings; get them out some way or another! As I have mentioned previously, I like art, so I have used that as a means of expressing my feelings. Get those negative feelings out some how.

The worst mistake to ever do after a relapse is obviously to continue to use. Don’t try to tell yourself a few times wont hurt, because any addict knows that there is no such thing as once or a few times. It will eventually lead you right back to where you started; if not worse. Drinking alcohol is a bad idea if you are serious about recovering too. This is how I relapsed. I drank too much and got the “F it” attitude and went and used. Afterwards that attitude quickly changed to a remorseful “What the F did I do” attitude. Needless to say I have cut back, and just lately decided that I am not going to drink anymore. It is as much of an addiction as heroin or crack, it just happens to be legal.  It will be hard for me to stop drinking completely, and I’m sure there will be a post about drinking somewhere down the road. Drinking is a whole other topic in addiction.

This post could be very long and have a lot of technical details and other reasons of how not to relapse and why, etc. but really I just wanted to make the point that relapse is almost inevitable in recovery, it’s all a matter of whether you can pick yourself back up and move on. Don’t stay down there on the ground, get up, brush yourself off, learn from your mistake, and keep on moving forward. It is worth getting up for; trust me.