Triggers

You know, today I couldn’t even go in a public restroom without having thoughts about using. I can’t shave my legs with out thinking maybe just one more time because there are still scars from shooting up. There are still so many things out in the world that constantly remind me of using. I hate it! Even my own body is a trigger. To look at my arms and legs where I used to shoot up just remind me of every time I used.

I thought I have had overcome this demon of “triggers” by facing all the places that I associated with my use. Like re-visiting the park where I overdosed. I went back there after I got clean and really took in what really happened. I accepted it as a horrible experience that I never want to happen again. Yet there are still small little things every single day that remind me… like the devil whispering in my ear “Oh just one more time wont hurt” “No one would even know.” At times like these I always try to remind myself of all the heartache and pain I put my family and myself through. What would it even be worth just to do it one more time? It wouldn’t; that doesn’t mean that those thoughts still don’t come at least once a day.

Just writing this is bringing back memories of times I used. I tend to only remember when I felt good at first. I am learning to quickly contradict myself with the withdrawals and horrible things I went through just to get high. I wonder when I will ever be able to go in to a Walgreen’s again without thinking about buying a bag of syringes. I wonder if I will ever go to a public restroom and not picture myself sitting on the floor with a spoon in one hand and needle in the other. It’s sickening to me when I really think about it. What a horrible existence I had. How could I put myself and family through all of that?

Yet, I remember that high that would only last for a few minutes really, it felt so good at the time. I just want to feel that without all the repercussions. I want my mind to be numb sometimes, because sometimes life in general is just too much too take in. I have terrible nightmares of me using again and overdosing or some other scenario of using. I wake up wanting to use. Life is tough and I am used to using drugs and alcohol as an escape. So when things get rough, I of course have a tendency to want to use.

I know from the bottom of my heart I will NEVER use heroin again (unless it is my will to die) but sometimes I wonder will it ever leave. I didn’t even use heroin for that long! I have triggers sometimes for other drugs that I have used, but just not as bad.  It’s always following me around, waiting… I know God will give me the strength to overcome as long as I keep asking. I will be strong for my loved ones and for myself as well. I will not return to that hell. I just wish I could erase all the memories. I guess only time will truly heal me completely. I know God will continue to give me the willpower to overcome as I long as I continue ask.