Can I Do This?

Life seems like such a joke sometimes. Like God is just using us as puppets to His own amusement. I know that sounds so bad as a true believer in God. I swear one day things are going so well, and the next day; “Here’s so more sh*t  to carry on your back” Some more questions that will go un-answered. Wow, awesome… like I wasn’t lost enough already. I am recovering a great deal from drug addiction but there are a few things that will just NOT LET GO!!! It is SO frustrating. Sometimes so frustrating that I start to doubt God. I think I am doing all the right things, living my life as well as I can, yet it is trial after trial.

I didn’t expect all of the trials of my life to end when I quit using drugs, but I did think that they would get a little better. In reality it seems they have gotten worse. My cravings for drugs have not gotten any better since the day that I walked out of rehab for the last time. It is ruining me inside as a person and it is sabotaging my relationships with my loved ones. I have had a few slips, not with heroin, but with cocaine. Regardless, it’s still horrible and the guilt is so overwhelming that sometimes I feel like I would rather just be dead. I know that it is a horrible thing to say, but damn it it hurts SO BAD inside. It hurts so bad.

My soul is getting tired and sometimes it seems like it was so much easier just being high all the time. Maybe I will just go back… fu*k it, who would really notice anyways? My family for a minute but I know they would quickly resort back to there defense mechanisms (which, by all means they should) and eventually I will just be a distant memory. Nothing has really gotten easier since I quit using. In fact, in a way life has become so much more hard.

I still think about the day I overdosed on heroin. I swore before I went unconscious there was a warm, never-ending bright light that consumed my entire body and I just reached my arms out and I don’t know if I said out loud or in my mind “ I don’t want this to end.” Was that just the drug? Or was that a glimpse of heaven? Either way I woke up on the cold payment with my clothes cut off me and paramedics all around. I had no idea where I was or what had happened. All I knew is I wanted to go back to that light. I remember crying and telling all of them to just leave me alone and pulling all the IVs they had put in me out. I started fighting them all off… I just wanted to go back. I think about that often and I want to go back to that light; that feeling. In fact, I want to go back to that feeling right now.