I don’t really have a “topic” to write about today. All I know is that I have been overwhelmed with depression the past few days and I can’t seem to shake it for any thing. I was clinically diagnosed with depression at an early age and am on medication for it. A little later in life I was diagnosed with anxiety, and am now dependent on klonipin (a narcotic/benzo), I wish so bad I could stop taking both and be happy on my own. I am sad today for so many reasons. It really doesn’t matter why. It matters what I can do to stop feeling this way. I thought writing may help. I have thought getting high would also help- at least for a little while… I have even thought about suicide. I will never do it, but I am in such a dark place lately, I know Satan is really pulling on me hard. I can’t even focus long enough to finish a simple prayer. All I can say is “God please help me” I haven’t felt His “presence” in my soul lately… I feel empty. I feel like I could just disappear and no one would really notice. Maybe a few people but in time I would be a distant memory. I know I need to reach out to someone for help but no one that isn’t or hasn’t been an addict really doesn’t understand some of the pain I feel. I guess I could go back to my last entry and say that my remorse has switched back to guilt lately. I know I cant change the past, but I cant help but wonder what my life would be like now have I not wasted 12 years getting high and drunk all the time. Would I be a mother yet? Would I have a career? Would I be doing something worth-while with my life? Right now I am not doing anything. I don’t even have a job any more. I can’t pay my bills. I want to do my art but I know I will get frustrated and either stop or just ruin it, throw it away. I have been physically sick for like 3 weeks or so with ear problems, I finally went to the Dr. yesterday and got and antibiotic, I have infections in both my ears. I have constant headaches from crying so much. I don’t know. I guess I will stop writing because this is just turning in to a pity party. I don’t want that. I just needed a release, and I don’t want it to be with drugs. Sometimes I feel like I am just destined to be an addict the rest of my life. I can’t seem to find myself in life; I’m just drifting along like a ghost, wondering around aimlessly, lost. What am I supposed to do next? I quit drugs, got my life together, now what? Anyone who reads this, will you pray for me if you believe in prayer? I need it. Thank you.
You have my prayers and many of them. I'm so sorry that you have to be feeling so crappy lately. It might be helpful to know that Martin Luther was prone to depression. Sometimes he cried out to God and said, "Lord! I believe! Help my unbelief!" Because, even when we believe so deeply, sometimes the horrors of our memories can niggle in and try to ruin us. You said you take some medicine. I hope you know that there is NO shame in that! I think that God gives us technology and science to help us. Also, maybe you might consider a counselor? Or maybe you see one? I don't know. A lot of states have reduced cost/sliding scale/free counseling if you qualify. Anyway, I really hope that you see how immeasurably valuable you are. Know that in the midst of your depression and grief, God holds on to you and whispers words of assurance and hope. And when you can't cling to God, God clings to you. Peace.
ReplyDeleteGod is with you, especially in the times in life when you really need him. May he help guide you through your struggles to help you see the beautiful person you are. My prayers are with you.
ReplyDeleteI can't say that I know how you feel but I do know what it's like to be in a 'dark place.' Just step out in faith everyday and believe that God will guide you. There is no shame in taking medication to help a need, we all need some medical help at one time or another. Be patient with yourself. If it took 12 years to get to where you are, it may take awhile to get to where you want to be now and in the future. God doesn't give us all we ask at once, sometimes He says yes, sometimes no, sometimes He says WAIT. You have plenty of time to make a great life, just have to do it 1 day at a time. God bless you!!
ReplyDeleteI can not express my gratitude for the comments I got from this post. when I logged in a saw that there were already 3 comments not long after I posted it, I started crying. They were tears of joy because it was a reassurance that God is still there. After reading the comments I do feel somewhat better, I know this is a demon that I will fight for a long time; some days more than others. I had no idea that MLK dealt with depression. He has always been a great inspiration to me. In some crazy way it makes me feel better that someone as strong willed as him faced such demons and found a way to overcome them. It reassures me that I will overcome all of this too. Thank you for your prayers and know that I always thank God for anyone who takes the time to read this, let alone comment. All I can hear in my mind right now is "This too shall pass." I know it to be true and I will keep believing even when it seems there is nothing to believe in. Thanks again to all.
ReplyDeleteI don't know about MLK, but Martin Luther, the Church Reformer (whose ideas brought about the Lutheran Church) suffered with depression. I hope that doesn't take your encouragement. Martin Luther's pretty awesome, too. :) I'm glad you're feeling a bit encouraged. You are so loved. Don't forget.
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