First off, I want to apologize to any of my readers for the past few blogs I have posted. They are pretty depressing and don’t want those to reflect what my overall purpose of starting this was. I write this for any addict who is still suffering and wants to quit or may not. I think, maybe if they read how much better life could be without drugs then they would reconsider their choices. It is also for anyone who knows, or is close to someone who is an addict or recovering. I hope that it can help show loved ones why addicts do what they do, and how they feel inside. I know I can not speak for every addict/ recovering addict obviously, but I know that it is hell and no one wants to suffer.
In my last blog I was questioning God. I feel bad that I did this because I know without Him; I would not be alive today. He proved to me just last night that He is still with me and still loves me. I was craving pretty bad; bad to the point of crying. I started to pray immediately. It was very hard because every time I reach a low part, the “enemy” pulls on me that much harder. I felt like someone had taken my power away to think clearly. I didn’t manage to say much to God except “Please help me through this!” I didn’t feel better right away, but I eventually started to feel lighter, like the weight of my sadness and temptation was being lifted from me. After that, I remembered how far I have come in my recovery, and how much better life is. I have so many people that love me and I love them. My life has been transformed, and although I sometimes I start to think I did it all myself, I know that I couldn’t have without God.
With all that being said; I briefly wanted to write about God. A lot of people (especially addicts) do not believe in God or a higher power. I believe this to be true because of the horrible experiences addicts face. I know I had completely sworn off God toward the later part of my addiction. I would think; “How could there be a God that would allow me to suffer so much?” Well now as I write that statement, it is so clear that He never wanted me to suffer. He gave us freewill! I had taken my life and all my sins in to my own hands. I am sure that it saddened God to watch me live such a horrible life (as I believe God is a loving God.) It wasn’t until I threw my hands up and said “I can’t do it without you God!” that I actually started to heal.
I am not trying to be “preachy” or shove God down anyone’s throats. If you don’t have the same beliefs as me, I totally respect that. I guess all I'm really trying to get at is that addiction is hell. I swear, I lived in hell for years, and like I just mentioned, it wasn’t until I found a higher power (God in my case) to help me. Addicts, recovering addicts, and loved ones of addicts all need to consider having a higher power in their lives. I am not the only one with this belief. Every rehab, AA, CA, NA etc. meetings all say that finding a higher power is part of the healing process. One of the AA 12 steps is “We came to believe that a power greater then ourselves could restore us to sanity,” I couldn’t agree more. It is not about organized religion and rituals, its simply finding peace in something that one can turn to when there seems to be no other way.
Again, I apologize for the two previous blogs that were a little depressing. I do struggle with depression, anxiety, and PTSD, so the times I start to feel sad, I get really, really sad. I am glad that I started this blog though and I was able to write about those emotions. I also received some wonderful comments of encouragement, which means more then anyone will ever know. Thanks for reading.
A really awesome thing about God is that God is big enough to handle your questions, doubts, anger, and fear. Cassie, you have been through SO much, and I am very proud of you for being so transparent and courageous. Trust that you are being held by God. Maybe you'd find hope in the story Jesus tells in Matthew 18:13-14. He is talking about a person who owns 100 sheep. If one gets lost, that person will go look for the one that wandered away. So, it is the will of God that NONE be lost. God loves you. God holds you. And like you said, God gives you freedom. Right now I imagine it's hard to live out of trust and hope, but people are praying for you.
ReplyDeleteBelieving in God. Trusting in God. Confiding in God. The path is narrow yet choices still abound. Filled with temptation disguised to fullfill, beware when you come to a crossroad, there is only one safe way. We can navigate the path only by the voice of the Shepherd, yet so many call out in his name. Do I know His voice? Can I tell His voice from all the others? I CAN tell you this; the more time I spend with the Shepherd AND the sheep the more familiar I become with His voice.
ReplyDeleteThe feelings of euphoria that satan so often reminds us of pale in comparison to the euphoria of stepping outside ones self, and following the Shepherds voice. If we follow it closely it leads us through the dark and scary places to the lushest pastures, the coolest cleanest waters, and into true loving fellowship with Him, and one another. True comfort, true peace, genuine security, sure hope, all in exchange for worthless trash. Count me in!! Hang in there Cassie, I am praying for you.
M.K.