When It Is All Too Much

I haven’t written for a while latley for many reasons. One of them is that I had another relapse (on cocaine, not heroin- thank God.) Regardless, it was still just as devastating. It has been devastating to me, but more regretfully to the people that I love the most.  I have been totally overwhelmed by grief and guilt. A few times I was to the point that I was about ready to just go back to my old life of using. I just wanted to numb the pain I had caused.

As a result of my relapse, I also started to loose my faith in God. I actually threw my hands up a few times and said “There really can’t be a God!” I pray so much, not asking for much; for will-power mainly, and I don’t get it. Now I know that those closest to me would say it is because I have not quit drinking completely. When I drink, I lose control. Not every time, just when I get drunk. It is hard for me to not drink because I really do have a good time getting a good buzz. My problem is that most of the time I can not stop when I have reached that point. Once I am past buzzed, Satan takes over and I completely lose control. I mean completely. It is scary.

I really can’t even explain it. It is like I get possessed almost. Getting high is the only thing that my mind is capable of thinking about, and I will go to almost any length to get it. I always justify in my mind that a few lines of coke is much better then shooting heroin; which technically it is, but in the big picture, it still hurts my recovery and those around me just as  much. I never, ever intend to hurt anyone. Believe me, it is the last thing I want to do. I have done that so much in the past. I tell myself over and over I will quit drinking, or just have a few, but most of the time I just can’t do it.

I have been diagnosed as an alcoholic. I have a history of alcoholism in my family, but for some reason I refuse to stop. I guess to me I feel like I should be able to have a little fun sometimes. "I was able to quit every thing else, why can't I have a few drinks?"Really, I should know how to have fun without alcohol. I simply do not know how to do this because before I ever did any drugs, I drank. I have been drinking since I was 14 or 15 on a regular basis. Almost everyone I know or hang out with drinks at some time or another. I can’t just isolate myself from everyone. I have already done that to a certain extent and I have been pretty depressed lately.

I feel worthless with no job, hardly any friends, and really not much to occupy my time. Yes, I do art but I can’t do it all the time. Yes, I like to read and write, but that gets old after so much too. I really don’t have a point or “lesson” in this blog; I am pretty much just venting. I feel horrible for the times I have relapsed. I know I should just learn from those times and move on, but that is simply much easier said than done. I know I can’t change the past, but it doesn’t mean I am still not sad or upset about it. I have lost trust that took me so long to finally start getting back. Now I have to start all over. It’s very defeating.

I have also been told numerous times that I need to surround myself with Christians and those who have the same beliefs as I. The truth in that is I am a pretty shy person when it comes to meeting new people (unless I am drinking- that is why I usually drink to begin with!) I also don’t like going to church as I don’t believed in organized religion. Lately I don’t know what I believe in.

All I know is that I have been struggling a lot, and I really don’t know how to deal with it. It is hard for me to even concentrate and pray; my mind starts to wonder and I eventually forget I was even praying, eventually feeling even more guilty. I really wish sometimes that the people I love could just know how I felt just for one minute. It is so hard for them to understand my actions when I am craving or have relapsed. I would never wish this curse upon anyone but I just wish I could explain it and they would understand. But they wont because they aren’t recovering addicts. I’m very happy about that, but at the same time, just wish they could know.  I never meant to hurt them. Never. Especially these recent times. When I was full blown in my addiction, I cared, but it was easier just to block it out, and I was getting good at doing that. Now I can’t do that, nor should I.

I don’t know what I’m trying to get at. I just felt like writing. For anyone who reads this, I ask, if you do pray, will you please pray for me? I would greatly appreciate it. I appreciate anyone that even takes the time to even read this. It means so much to me. Thank you.