It is even worse when you watch your life around you that you once thought was a pretty decent life fall apart. Your “friends” start to turn their backs or just distance themselves to the point of not communicating with you. Who can blame them? They tried to help but all you did was tell them “To mind their own business,” or “You have this under control, you don’t need help.” or something a long these lines. You may think you have it under control, it is your life after all, you ARE an adult, and you are pretty sure you can stop whenever you want- you just don’t want to right now. Why should you? You are having a good time & not hurting anyone -yet. In reality, you can hear that small voice in the back of your mind saying “You are all mine now, you can’t stop if you wanted.” No one wants to believe that they don’t have control over their own life, so that voice is ignored to your best of your ability. You will then try to dull those feelings, which have piled on top of all the other horrible ones, with some more drugs and/ or with large quantities of alcohol. It seems like everywhere you start to turn now, you are running in to dead ends from “bridges you have since burnt,” with all those people you once thought were your friends. Maybe they still are your friends but they are sick of watching you slowly kill yourself. They eventually realize they have to protect themselves, and they ultimately have to turn away.
Your lies and deceptions have since made you, and every word you say, now completely meaningless to everyone. This, I believe, is one of the hardest facts of addiction. To look at your best friend, your lover, or a family member, and have them look you straight back in your eyes and tell you “I know you are lying and I don’t even want to hear you anymore.” is heart-wrenching. It tears you apart inside. The only reason you ever lied to them in the first place was never to hurt them, or by no means to betray them; you were just trying to feed the monster within. If only they could understand how you feel!
Now, I have heard from so many people “Well why don’t you just stop?” or “Why is it so hard for you to be honest?” Questions such as these can only be answered by you once you are clean (if you can get clean), but until then you merely just have to learn that the people that have said these statements, or any similar to it, simply don’t understand what type of demon possesses you. They do not know that you really would just stop now if only it were so easy. As addicts it is hard to deal with the guilt you bring upon yourself from hurting the ones you love. You know you never mean to do it, and even though you keep doing it, you don’t want to at all. It is not you that is doing these horrible acts. It is honestly the drug that has taken over you and your mind. Your mind is so addicted now chemically that your thoughts are actually distorted. This is a proven fact. Your brain is telling you to “Go get more of that stuff that makes me feel good.” Even though it may not even be making you feel good at all. Your brain still needs it now. It is as used to the drug as it is to food now.
Along with this, you have not dealt with the demons that initially drove you to use in the first place. You reach out to someone for help or maybe just a little comfort but they all have you figured out by now- they don’t want to be hurt anymore, you have hurt them and let them down with your lies and fake promises so much in the past. You feel so alone. Guilt is one of the hardest issues for an addict to face as they are trying to get clean. They may start to get consumed by the guilt that they feel from hurting their loved ones or themselves. This issue, is something, I believe every addict will need to learn to face as soon as possible in all efforts to get clean. If you are overwhelmed by the guilt, shame, or just plain pity you will quickly catch yourself saying “Screw it, lets go get high some more so we don’t have to think about all this heartache right now.”
Thanks for sharing this.
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