Life As an Addict Pt. 3

Although this time, it’s not so easy to get the drugs anymore. Everyone is sick of giving you money, everyone is sick of you “borrowing” their stuff only to learn it has been pawned, the dealers are sick of you begging for just one more front- so although you know better in so many ways, you start to steal. It’s a horrible realization when you are reaching in your mother’s safe to take money out that she has been saving for a vacation to take you on. To steal from your mother, period. To steal from anyone; It’s a horrible feeling. A sickening feeling knowing that you have officially reached a life so desperate for a stupid drug that you honestly don’t even like that much anymore.  Now you are not just a drug addict, a slut, a mooch, an annoyance to your friends and family, now you are a miserable thief. A THIEF!! Wow, who would’ve thought it would come to this? But what’s done is done, so you go get the drugs with the money you stole, and in so many ways this high is not even close to as good as it used to be. In fact now that you think of it, none of the times you get high anymore are “fun” like they used to be. It is just simply an insane habit that you don’t want to go without because you feel so lost, alone, and afraid that you now feel like you can’t go without it. Besides, almost everyone else has turned their back, so at least you have “it”- that drug. Do you realize that “it” cares nothing for you at all though? Do you realize that “it” will take away EVERYTHING you have; ALL of your possessions, ALL of your money, destroy ALL of your relationships, and eventually “it” is working “its” hardest to take your life? Your LIFE!!! Most people in addiction at this point don’t realize this and if they do, by now probably just don’t care anymore. It’s so sad. You are so sad. There is a huge black hole in your heart now, and your soul is so weak you wonder if it even exists. Some addicts, if have not, by now, have tried to commit suicide. Some may begin to contemplate it, or they may actually attempt it. Life just doesn’t seem worth all this heartache anymore.

        In time, hanging out at the crack houses with some of the worst people you’ve ever encountered or interacted with and would’ve never even talked to in your “previous life” starts to get so old- you want out. Finally, you think, this is it, I’m done! You think you have hit “rock bottom.” So, you enter a rehab facility and stay for 30 + days, get out and go to AA and CA meetings. At first doing everything they taught you. You catch a glimpse of hope; you can get your life back and make it better. You can work on restoring your relationship. What a wonderful feeling! It doesn’t take long at all, though, to run in to a few of your “old pals” that you used to use with. Or it doesn’t take long before you convince yourself that you are some how “magically cured” and can just have a few hits and that’s it. It’s almost humorous to me now looking back thinking I could just do a few lines and still manage to keep on “The road to recovery.”

        So within a few months you are right back where you started, usually worse. This time you feel even worse because you knew what it was like to be truly happy again without being addicted. You had caught a glimpse of hope that will now forever be ingrained in your mind. It will follow you down those dark allies to pick up that next bag, and it will flash before your eyes the next time you go to take another hit, do a line, or shoot a fix. But that all seems like a distant dream now- sadly this life seems like it will only be just that- a dream, a nightmare. Is this any kind of happiness? What is a real relationship where someone actually trusts you like? What is it like to be around people and have them look at you without that look of  “Oh, there is the one that uses drugs- stay away from them” What is life really supposed to be like at all? It’s all becoming a blur now.    

       Now in my case, not all cases, the crack/ cocaine wasn’t cutting it anymore. I wanted and felt like I needed more to mask those horrible feelings of worthlessness and sadness I held deep inside. Besides a “new” high could maybe switch things up for a while. So lets move up the “drug ladder” another step- heroin. First snort it, “eh it was good,” but of course you want the full effect and eventually begin shooting it. No other drug has EVER made you feel so good, so numb, it’s amazing how quickly you can kick a crack/ cocaine addiction once you try heroin. Once you’ve shot it up, its all down hill fast from there. Literally, you might as well tumble down a hill- you are on the road to destruction. You are literally on the road to death. It is inevitable, you WILL eventually get a bad dose, or you WILL eventually overdose (even if it’s not on purpose), you WILL catch AIDS or Hepatitis, or maybe you WILL get killed in a drug deal gone bad. Somehow, now though, it doesn’t even matter now. You’ve come this far in your addiction; there is no turning back now, right?

         Now, life is a constant paper chase to get money to get your next fix because you soon realize that heroin has the ability to make you feel the best in your life but also the worst- it makes you “dope sick.” If you can’t continue to shoot up everyday then you would rather crawl under a rock and die then feel “dope sick.” So now you are back to the cycle of when you were using crack/ cocaine, probably even worse. You HAVE to have money now, not so much the “I am feigning and I’d really like more,” it’s “I HAVE to get more before I get so sick I end up in the hospital” (which will probably happen a few times anyways). You will literally do anything, and I mean anything, to get just one more fix, one more- then you’ll be ok- you keep trying to convince yourself this is true, but it is never enough.