Simple Things

I haven’t written lately because I don’t have a lot to say. Life is pretty normal and good. A majority of the days I am so grateful. Other days I get very restless and feel so bored. Almost like I’m not living my life to its fullest. I don’t know, I guess when I was getting drunk and high all the time I actually felt like I was “living,” I know that sounds crazy, because what I was really doing was dying!! I guess I just feel like I should still be running around getting in to “trouble” sometimes. Even though using drugs and drinking like I was almost took my life and/or anything good in it, it was still “exciting” in a lot of ways. I like that feeling of “living on the edge;” Just going to work, eating, sleeping, and the whole daily routine thing can get very boring to me quickly.

Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE my life now that I don’t use drugs or rarely drink. I wouldn’t go back to my old life if someone paid me! I guess it’s just a little dumb issue I need to come to terms with in my mind. In many ways I have. I love the fact that I can pay most of my bills now, and still have extra money to buy new clothes or whatever I want. I could never do that when I was an addict. When it really boils down to it though, I am not a materialistic person. I like having nice stuff and all, but good relationships with my family and friends mean SO much more to me. I often still catch myself beating myself up over all the time I wasted in the past that I could have spent with family and/or friends. It’s hard not to do sometimes; I just have to keep reminding myself that the only thing I can do to make it up now is be there now.

It just seems like a battle in my mind some days. I get antsy and just want to go do something crazy. Other days, I couldn’t be happier just lying in bed next to my man watching a movie, or just talking. I love going to family gatherings now. Before, when I was an addict, I would sit at them and think about how much I couldn’t wait to leave just so I could go leave and get high. There are still occasional moments when I am at a gathering or even with a group of friends and I start thinking; “Hmm wouldn’t it be nice to have a buzz going right now,” or; “I just want to go because I feel like there is something else ‘better’ I could be doing.” In all reality though, when I snap back to it, nothing is ‘better’ then being with my family, my boyfriend, and friends. They are why I stopped using in the first place!

As I sit here and type this, it all sound a little silly to me. It is very obvious which “Path to stay by.” I guess it’s probably normal to feel this way on occasions. I bet a lot of people that weren’t even users get sick of following the same old routine all the time. I know it about drives me nuts sometimes! I have to admit though, without structure in my life, I would probably still be using, or always tempted at least. While I was in rehab, they couldn’t stress enough how important ‘structure’ is to have in your life. I really wasn’t buying it for the longest time, but as I continue to grow as a human and in my recovery, it makes complete sense.

There is not too much to this entry, just getting a few things off my mind. It sounds so trivial, but it makes SO much more sense to be bored then to be wasting your life getting high and drunk! I wish I would have thought this way 12 years ago. I guess we live, we learn.