Selfishness

Did I do the right thing? Say the right words? Should I have left certain parts out? God has been OVERWHELMINGLY testing me in my life lately. It is so hard. Hard enough that I decided at one point that I couldn't do it anymore... I thought I passed the first test, the next I failed. I failed COMPLETELY!! Now I feel my failures have set me so far back that all the work I have done was for nothing. I know it wasn't, it is all to learn, but damn!! Just when I thought I had heard God tell me which direction in life He wanted me to take, I quickly learned I must've heard wrong or did not hear right, or at all? I've come a long way in the past year just to turn around and screw it all up. I am so SICK of having to learn EVERYTHING through so many HARD lessons. I must have a thick skull... shit! I'm sorry... I am very grateful and forever humble for everything I am taught by God, I just get so discouraged sometimes. Knowing that I am going to have to battle with addiction the rest of my life, everyday, every hour sometimes, is very hard to deal with. I just want to cry and cry sometimes... why? Why me? Why do I have to be an addict? Why can't I be "normal" like so many others? I know that even though I may fail and fail over and over again, this time, I wont give up. I can't and I wont. No matter how hard the test, no matter how hard the fall, I wont give up. I have recognized that so many people love me, and I want to do better for them, because thats what they deserve. I feel SO incredibly guilty for my past recent actions and I will probably never be able to forgive myself. I will however, work and work and keep trying until eventually one day, I get it right...