He Spoke to Me and I Turned Away...WHY?

God I heard you speaking to me all day today, and that is something I always want. Today, I didn't want it. I just wanted to do my own thing, right after I prayed the night before for you to take my life in your hands. It wasn't without guilt and shame though. I am so mad at myself. I heard You speak to me in every way you could and I tried to ignore it. I couldn't. What is wrong with me??!!! I am selfish. I am ignorant in so many ways, I am unworthy of anything good. I hate what I have put my loved ones through, the guilt is all consuming in so many ways so much of the time. I know I just have to try to move forward, but it's so hard when the past still haunts me in so many ways. I seriously can't conceive how some people still love me like they do in my life after all I have put them through. I don't love myself because of it, how can they? Oh, I swear Lord, if You ever speak to me like you did today, I will listen... I have to. If I don't I will only spiral further out of control. I feel I have some control sometimes. Other times, I swear, I leave and my evil twin steps in and takes over. Only when it's all said and done is when the real me comes back and has to deal with all the horrible feelings. It's not fair. It hurts all the time. It hurts today because I know I hurt You, Lord. How dare I? How dare I hurt anyone you have blessed me with in my life, let alone You? I honestly don't expect to hear from you anytime soon, but if I do, Lord I will listen.